The Six Stages of Grief

This last semester has been a struggle for me. My students have been good, thank the universe, but everthing else has just been difficult. I have been feeling inadequate, and as though I can't do anything right. I didn't really think it had anything to do with Mom's death. I don't remember experiencing anything like this when Dad died. Forget the fact that I'd always been much closer to Mom than to Dad. And the fact that I cared for Mom on a daily basis for the six years that she lived with us, that I was responsible for her, that I was with her when she died, that I helped clean her and dress her for the funeral home. It's taken me a couple of months, but I finally figured out that these feelings are a part of my grief. Kubler-Ross missed this one; the sixth stage is inadequacy.

And now that we have just celebrated Thanksgiving, I feel a grief that feels more like what I think grief should feel like. Our first major holiday (summer holidays don't count, and for some reason, neither did Easter) without Mom. We had Jerri and Dave and the grandgirls over for our traditional holiday brunch, and realized it was the first one without her. There was a lot less stress, not having to get her up, to feed her, toilet her, and get her down for a nap during this family time. And I felt my loss of her keenly. Then the realization that we were almost to my birthday, followed by Christmas. The first Christmas without her. That's something I'm not looking forward to.

We watched The Family Stone last night. I've seen it 3 or 4 times before, so I knew I was running the risk of a meltdown (if you are't familiar with the film, all I'll say is that it is about a family of parents and their adult children and partners getting together for Christmas. If you are familiar with the film, you don't need a spoiler to tell you why it was loaded territory for me). I didn't meltdown, but it was "helpful" in getting me in touch with my grief. I don't think I'm through with the inadequacy stage, but I am also moving into sadness, which according to what I read, is technically part of depression. That's where I would guess inadequacy falls, as well.

What I most have to remind myself is that there is no timeframe around when I should be "over" this. Some people have told me it took them 2 years to feel normal again after the death of a parent. I guess I shouldn't necessarily expect next semester to go more smoothly than this one. At any rate, grief is upon me, and rather than try to think ahead, I think I need to live today. Grief and all.

Next

Now that I am no longer caring for Mom, the obvious question is, what does this blog become? The title states its original reason for being. I wanted a place to write about and share what I was going through while trying to care for my mother as she was slowly dying of Alzheimer's. Now that she is gone, the answer seems clear--for now, at least. Now this is about grief. This is so much about grief that I thought it was too much, and I didn't post what I wanted to post in September. Let me take care of that now.

Two years ago, around Thanksgiving, one of our three cats suddenly became very, very sick. We first realized it on a Wednesday afternoon. We called the vet's office, described her symptoms, and they said we needed to bring her in right away. But here's the thing. It was our day with our granddaughters; Avri and Kiana were over. They were 2 and 4 at the time. And Mom had just gotten home from day care. There was no way one of us could handle all 3 of them. So we waited until Thursday, and Jeanne took her in while I was at school. They kept her over night, on IV fluids. We almost lost her. But she was a strong cat, our Juno, and she recovered. We had to give her subcutaneous fluids (think of kitty dialysis with an IV bag); I think we started with either every day or every other day. Eventually, we got her down to once a week, but she had kidney failure, so this was a rest-of-her-life thing. And pills, which I think she hated more than getting stuck with a needle and pumped full of fluids until she looked like a camel. But Juno was strong; the vet said she had never seen a cat recover as well as Juno did.

Then this September, she developed pancreatitis. She was throwing up, couldn't eat or drink, and eventually started an almost constant oozing of blood and runny stool. It was a mess. We became regulars at the vet's office, even stopping at her house a few times to pick up meds. But nothing worked, and on September 16, we took her in one last time. The vet took one look at her, and said, "She's ready. She's in pain, and she wants to go." We'd said most of our goodbyes at home, including having the other cats and the dog having one last moment with her. But said our final goodbyes, and the vet administered the shot. Our baby was gone.

I didn't feel I could write about Juno's death when it happened, not because I didn't want to, but because I felt that it was too much. Too much what, I'm not sure. Too much death, not enough balance. I am not a morose person, but sometimes I think this blog is. So why am I writing this now? I'm struggling (more on that in a later post), and I think I've found a new direction for the blog (sort of), and first things first. Juno is gone, euthanized 3 weeks before her 1th birthday. Her sister Selu is meowing at me as I write this, telling me to go to bed so she can go to bed with me. Sounds like a good idea, but first, my little Juno tribute.

The 3 girls in their youth

Juno

Juno and Selu, sisters, in one last photo

Happy Birthday, Dad

He would have been 88 today. His mother lived to be 90; she was the only biological grandparent I knew. Dad's dad died young. I think my dad was 17 when his dad died. I'll have to look it up. Dad died a month short of his 69th birthday, 19 years ago. And Mom died 6 months ago yesterday.

So many dates and anniversaries, I begin to wonder if there are too many to really mean anything, other than I get lots of memory prompts in the summer. They each mean a little less the farther I move away from them. I used to go to the shore of Lake Michigan and send Dad a Happy Birthday balloon every year on this date. After 3 or 4 years I stopped. I no longer felt that need.

Yet I also notice that I do not forget these dates. I make a point not to forget all these dates. They must mean something; in fact, I feel as though their meaning is probably fairly obvious. Maybe it's too close, staring me in the face, as they say, so that I cannot make out the relevance of remembering these milestones. Or maybe that's the point, remembering. Those casually tossed off "memory prompts" are the meaning. Wisdom has it that one mustn't live in the past. Ignoring the past is, on the other hand, ignoring what made us what we are in the present.

Whatever the meaning, the memories are here, as is the love (and the fights and the laughs and the dysfunction). Another milestone, more memories, another summer day.

Another milestone

When last I wrote, I mentioned that my dad's birthday is this week--tomorrow, actually. What I didn't even realize was that today, August 12, is the 6-month anniversary of Mom's death.

I had lunch with a friend/colleague today, a mutual friend of my colleague who died two months ago tomorrow. We talked a lot about death, and her aging parents (her mom has Alzheimer's). I would not say it was a morbid conversation, however, or even a depressing one. It was a necessary one, perhaps. What I have found, especially in these past 6 months, is that there are a fair number of people out there who will do anything to avoid talking about, and thus thinking about, death. Quite frankly, that doesn't work for me. Death is a natural consequence of life. To try to ignore it makes absolutely no sense to me. Acknowledging it, accepting it, even expecting it seems not only rational, but helpful. Being at my mom's side when she died was an incredibly grace-filled moment. I felt that she honored me by allowing me to witness that transition.

So a lunch conversation about death does not strike me as odd or morbid, but in many ways as helpful. Death happens.

And Mom, wherever you are now, it cannot be as bad as the hell of Alzheimer's, so I don't wish you back, but I do miss you. I hope that whatever place you are in, in whatever form you are in, it's giving you peace.

Pilgrimage

Monday, July 26, would have been Mom's 88th birthday. To mark the occasion, Jeanne and I drove up to Green Bay (with our dog Cleo). We hadn't been to the cemetery since Mom's burial and the engraving being finished. So I bought a plant, which is surely dead by now unless "neighbors" are watering it, and placed it on the grave. Here is a partially shaded photo:

We didn't stay long at the cemetery; there's not much to do there. So we cruised past Mom & Dad's old condo. We also found my childhood home, which got moved when the YWCA bought the lot for parking. I knew what street they moved it to, but not which block. So we drove up the street until I recognized it; it's a big house, and had a few identifying features that made me confident that I'd correctly identified it. That was enjoyable; I loved that house. We also drove past my old high school, to make sure the headless children still had their heads reattached (long story, but one that always brings a smile. I may have to tell it some day, as Mom has a significant role in it).

Then we picked up some lunch, and had a little picnic at a park by the river. It felt surprisingly freeing to be in my home town with no agenda, no one to have to see, nowhere to have to be.

And then we drove home. I did not feel overtly emotional that day, but I could feel the next day that things were not their placid normal selves. Not much more to report than that. Getting ready for Dad's birthday next week. As I mentioned in my previous post, this is the season of remembering for me.

Anniversaries

Today is the 19th anniversary of my dad's death. Monday is the 88th anniversary of my mom's birth. Mom was never crazy about her birthday, and once Dad died, 3 days before her birthday, she liked them even less. Even as Alzheimer's took her mind, some part of her seemed to remember these dates. Ever since she came to live with us, and possibly before, this time of the year was difficult for her. Her moods and demeanor would be a little darker and agitated in mid-to-late summer. She was unhappier. And it definitely was not because of the weather. Wisconsin summers are too short, and she disliked the winters too much for us to think it was a "seasonal" effect. We're sure it was an anniversary effect, though perhaps never conscious.


For me, this is also a time to remember these anniversaries. I try to stay focused on the happy memories.

Grief redux

Back from vacation to California and Arizona. Actually, I presented at the American Literature Association conference in San Francisco, which we used as an opportunity for vacation. Our friends Karri and Pete live in Oakland, so with the exception of the night before my presentation, when we stayed in the beautiful Hyatt Regency, we stayed with them. They are incredible hosts, so we had a great time. My presentation at the conference, despite being in a terrible time slot, went really well.

Lobby of Hyatt Regency SF

Karri and Pete also took us to their bungalow in the Sierra Nevada foothills for a few days, with one day trip to Yosemite. That was spectacular. Can I limit myself to one picture? I took many. Okay, let's do two.

Okay, maybe three, as I have to include our hosts.

One thing that struck as we drove and walked around northern California with Karri and Pete was how often I thought of a story about Mom. I finally made myself stop sharing them, they came up so often. Oddly enough, I can't remember now what those stories were. I think some of them probably had to do with family vacations as a kid, but honestly, I'm not sure what to attribute the abundance of Mom-sharing to. Karri was perhaps the most consistent of my friends to call me and see how we were doing with Mom's care while she was with us. But there was more going on than just that.

Golden Gate Bridge

We also spent 4 days in Mesa, AZ, with our daughter Jobee and her boyfriend Justin. We had an enjoyable, relaxing, and hot time there, including a visit to the Phoenix Botanical Gardens.

The truth is, I'm only giving a very abbreviated version of our vacation. When we got home, we took a few more days off, then started working our way back into some sort of routine of work and downtime. I was supposed to go to lunch on the Tuesday after we got back with my friend and colleague, Shelly. Shortly before leaving on our trip, I attended a work-related 'retreat,' and that's when we set the date. Shelly was diagnosed almost exactly a year ago with pancreatic cancer. She had surgery, but was constantly struggling with chemo and radiation. They would start the treatments, and her platelets would go out of whack. So they would stop, and try another dose, combination, whatever. So things like lunch with a friend were a high priority for Shelly, especially since she didn't always know if she would be feeling up to it on any given day.

The day before we were to meet, I sent her an email, asking where she would like to meet. That evening, when I checked my email to see if she had answered, there was an email from a mutual friend and colleague, Ellen, with the subject line "News about Shelly." The email said I should call Ellen. I knew this was not good. I called her. She, too, had just returned from a two-week vacation. She reported that Shelly had been have trouble with a post-surgery stent, and had been in and out of the hospital while we were both gone. The Thursday before, she learned, Shelly became unresponsive. On Sunday, June 13, Shelly died.

Shelly and I were friends, though not in each others' closest circles. And I can't stop thinking about Shelly, and how sad it is that I will never bump into her on campus, and that we'll weren't able to have that last scheduled lunch. Shelly was a great teacher, tough and demanding, and I admired her dedication and the tremendous hard work she put into moving her students to a new level of understanding. And I know that somehow, the grief for Shelly is weighted on top of the grief for Mom, magnifying both.

And I can't stop thinking about the loss, our loss, now that Shelly is gone.

Love

Grief is a strange beast. I rarely feel actively sad about Mom's death. Mostly I feel strange things going on in my physical self. I'm tired a lot, even though I get enough sleep. I have more aches and mysterious pains than I used to, and I'm convinced it's not just a part of getting older. Not all of it, at any rate. I was talking to someone I know who has recently been through more than his share of grief. He said that while he was in the midst of his wife's cancer, people kept asking him if he was okay. He always said he was, because he didn't realize until after her death that he wasn't. You have to keep going, and you don't recognize the effects caregiving takes on you. Then after his wife died, he said it was like all the air rushing out of a balloon. It's an apt metaphor.

Recently, I've started remembering Mom more. Up until now, it's been a lot of blankness. But now I start to think of her more often. I remember her, her life, not just the past 6 years. She was a great mom.

This may seem a bit after the fact, but I am posting the eulogy I wrote for Mom's memorial service. I guess it's time.

I would like to read from 1 Corinthians 13:

If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

So I trust that, with love for my mother and my mother’s love for me, my words will be neither a noisy gong or clanging symbol.


And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Of the people I’ve spoken to in the last 3 weeks, almost all described my mother as a lady. And she was.
And she was patient, and kind, and never arrogant or rude. One of my favorite
stories’ of Mom’s was about how she met Dad. She was working in the treasurer’s office at Wartburg College. Dad was teaching there.
Mom’s home congregation in Nauvoo, IL was temporarily without a pastor.
They were getting supply pastors from all around, and one week, Dean Kilgust was
tapped to go preach there. Mom’s roommate, Arlean, told her, “Ask him for a ride; you can go home and visit your family. Besides, he’s single.” Mom, who was already in her late 20s and convinced marriage was not in her future, said, “No, I don’t want to ride with Dean Kilgust. He’s so arrogant.” Well, Arlean finally convinced her that it was a free ride home, and worth putting up with Dean for. Mom told me that on that ride to Nauvoo and back with Dean, she saw a different side of him, and found out he could be thoughtful and kind. And the rest, of course, is history.

It was not until Mom came to live with us that I found out how strongly that love endured. When words were becoming hard for her to use anymore, we would often get the picture albums out for her to look at. She enjoyed that most of the time, but the only time her face would light up would be when she would see a picture of Dad. Then she would gently touch the photo, and sometimes stroke his cheek. I always knew my mom loved my dad, but it took Alzheimer’s to show me that she was in love with him.

Language was the first thing Mom had trouble with due to Alzheimer’s. She loved to read, and always had a stack of library books next to the love seat she would sit in. She, more than anyone, modeled for me the reading that became both my love and my life’s work. It was when Mom could no longer remember what some of the words she was reading meant, words that she knew she knew, that she went to the doctor and was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.


Love never ends. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end.

Mom endured Alzheimer’s with a grace and dignity I couldn’t quite fathom. When something she used to be able to do became hard for her, she would say, “Well, that’s the disease. I won’t be able to do that anymore.” She wasn’t perfect, or a saint, but
she faced her disease with more acceptance than I thought humanly possible. She never asked, “Why me?” and she didn’t complain.

As her disease progressed, people would often ask, “Does she still know you?” That was always hard to answer, because I don’t believe she knew our names, or who we were to her, but she did know us. She knew that Jeanne and I were the people who were always with her, and who cared for her, and who kept her safe. On that last day, she knew we were out that afternoon; she knew when we got home; and she knew that when we got her into bed and comfortable, that she could finally leave.


For we know only in part, and we prophesy only in part; but when the complete comes, the partial will come to an end.

Being a witness at my mother’s death was one of the greatest gifts she’s given me. It was a privilege to be with her at the end of her life on this earth. And now she is complete again.


When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways.

For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known.

And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.

Mary Kilgust embodied love, and I am blessed to have had her as my mother.

At the Hairdresser's

Yesterday I got my hair cut. I know, by itself, not exactly big news. But this stylist is the same woman who has done Mom's hair for at least the last 5 years, maybe 5 1/2. She said that she cannot believe the number of people who have been asking where the lady in the wheelchair is. Not just her customers, but the customers of the other stylists who rent spaces there. "It's amazing," she said, "how many lives your mother touched."


It's amazing indeed.

The End of a Long Journey

Mary Margaret Kilgust finished this stage of her life on Friday, February 12, 2010. I don't pretend to know what the next stage is, but I know that she has been released from the fear and pain she endured on this earth.

She died the way we hoped, at home, with Jeanne and I at her bedside.

She'd had a rough week, starting with diarrhea on Wednesday, which weakened her so that she could only manage to swallow 2 or 3 bites at each meal. By Friday, her breath was labored; we could hear how rigid her lungs were becoming. We went out that afternoon while an aide sat with her. We got home around 4:30. She woke up, and stayed awake. Her breathing was so labored, more so when awake than when sleeping, so after talking to the aide and the guy who split some wood for us, we fed the animals, and decided to put her right to bed. We changed her, got her into bed, and raised the head to try to help ease her breathing. She was so clearly struggling, we both stayed with her, talking to her, trying to help her relax. Then she took 3 or 4 agonal breaths, and she was gone. We'd been home less than an hour. We are grateful that she waited for us.

Mom's doctor, my college friend, had made it clear that if we wanted her there when Mom died, she would come, no matter when. So I called her, and she came right over, missing her son's school performance (she did get to go the next night and see him emcee the show). Dr. Barb declared the death, helped us put a nice dress on Mom, and waited for the funeral home so she could sign the death certificate. Her presence was a big help in keeping things calm.

Jerri and the girls were on their way over to spend the evening. Obviously, while we knew Mom was failing, we didn't anticipate she was going to die quite that soon. Jeanne called Jerri and told her not to come, and why. The girls were in the van, and Kiana listened carefully to her mom's side of the conversation, so that when Jerri hung up, Kiana said, "Who's dying?" Jerri said, "What?", and Kiana said, "You said, 'She's dying right now?' Who's dying?" Jerri told them, "Mary died." Kiana started crying, so Jerri pulled over to comfort her. "I'm so sad," Kiana said, and when Jerri asked her why, she said, "Because now Grambie doesn't have a mommy anymore." Then she proceeded to tell Jerri how grateful she was that she still had her mommy. She's a pretty amazing kid.

Avri, amazing in her own way, hadn't really been paying attention to all of this until the mommy thing came up. Then she announced that she was sad, too, and that she was glad she had her mommy.

The funeral home here in town was great. Here's a link to her obituary:
http://www.asimas.com/ASIMAS/randledable/obituaryDescription.jsp?domain_id=218&deceased_id=218644

Being present for Mom's actual death was what we wanted, but it was also the thing that scared me the most. The way it happened, though, left me feeling that being with her for that moment was a great honor and privilege. It made even these most difficult last few years worth it.

There is, as usual, much more to write, but for now, I send this notice out to the world. I love you, Mom, and I'll miss you always.

Now or Never

Kiana, Mom, and Avri

Dec. 2009

I was ready to write again the day after my last post. Guess what? It didn't happen. I'm always waiting for the correct amount of time and energy, never quite figuring out that I need to write what I can when I can, and let the rest fall by the wayside. Let's see, I was going to write about the visit to the neurologist, the last two respite stays for Mom, Christmas, and I don't even remember what else. My brother's visit. Oh, yeah, getting fired from daycare over a parking dispute. Mom is now home with us 24/7. I hope to be able to write about some of this at some point.

We brought Mom home from respite today. When we checked her in on Thursday, they weighed her. She was down to 78 pounds, fully dressed, including shoes. She still eats and drinks, but less and less all the time. The neurologist says she isn't metabolizing everything she is eating. She sleeps most of the time, which does make having her home all the time a little easier.

The picture above was actually taken a week before Christmas. Jerri and Dave were taking the girls to Florida for their first DisneyWorld visit, and didn't want them to leave without saying goodbye to Mary. There was some concern that she wouldn't make it to Christmas. You can see from the picture that she was momentarily awake and alert. She had already tuned back out before the next picture.

Anyway, when Mom came home from her December respite, she had deteriorated significantly, and we were no longer sure she would make it to Christmas. Jerri and Dave knew Kiana in particular would be upset if she didn't get a chance to say goodbye, and I wanted a last picture. Well, as usual, Mom rebounded, and though she's still losing weight, she is also still here, and shows no signs of dying this week. That's about all we can predict.

And about all I have time to write tonight. As my subject line says, my new approach to blogging (for today at least) is now or never. So this isn't much, but it's better than nothing. I hope to write more again soon.