The Six Stages of Grief

This last semester has been a struggle for me. My students have been good, thank the universe, but everthing else has just been difficult. I have been feeling inadequate, and as though I can't do anything right. I didn't really think it had anything to do with Mom's death. I don't remember experiencing anything like this when Dad died. Forget the fact that I'd always been much closer to Mom than to Dad. And the fact that I cared for Mom on a daily basis for the six years that she lived with us, that I was responsible for her, that I was with her when she died, that I helped clean her and dress her for the funeral home. It's taken me a couple of months, but I finally figured out that these feelings are a part of my grief. Kubler-Ross missed this one; the sixth stage is inadequacy.

And now that we have just celebrated Thanksgiving, I feel a grief that feels more like what I think grief should feel like. Our first major holiday (summer holidays don't count, and for some reason, neither did Easter) without Mom. We had Jerri and Dave and the grandgirls over for our traditional holiday brunch, and realized it was the first one without her. There was a lot less stress, not having to get her up, to feed her, toilet her, and get her down for a nap during this family time. And I felt my loss of her keenly. Then the realization that we were almost to my birthday, followed by Christmas. The first Christmas without her. That's something I'm not looking forward to.

We watched The Family Stone last night. I've seen it 3 or 4 times before, so I knew I was running the risk of a meltdown (if you are't familiar with the film, all I'll say is that it is about a family of parents and their adult children and partners getting together for Christmas. If you are familiar with the film, you don't need a spoiler to tell you why it was loaded territory for me). I didn't meltdown, but it was "helpful" in getting me in touch with my grief. I don't think I'm through with the inadequacy stage, but I am also moving into sadness, which according to what I read, is technically part of depression. That's where I would guess inadequacy falls, as well.

What I most have to remind myself is that there is no timeframe around when I should be "over" this. Some people have told me it took them 2 years to feel normal again after the death of a parent. I guess I shouldn't necessarily expect next semester to go more smoothly than this one. At any rate, grief is upon me, and rather than try to think ahead, I think I need to live today. Grief and all.